Horrors
by Hand With Wings
Summary: A recovering Shinji reimagines the little time he spent with Kaoru. But there are some things he'd rather not remember,...


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I should have typed this out ages ago. I've always wanted to write something for Evangelion, one of my favourite animes/mangas. This little thing was actually sitting in one of my notebooks for almost two years (!) and I've just recently dug it up again. Maybe I should start writing again. Typing this out feels....nostalgic?

Anyways, comments and criticism very much appreciated!

* * *

The faint sound of water is comforting. Where is he? Ah! It's the seaside, isn't it? His voice....he can barely hear his own voice, but he can hear _His_. What is He saying? "Peaceful, isn't it? Come here and sit with me a while." _His_ back is turned towards him, His face turned towards the sunset, the bright sky glowing red, turning the sea red under it.

Shinji's feet move him to the edge of the water. _He_ seems so relaxed sitting out on that rock, which stood elevated from the sea, carved with beautiful birds' wings - as though it could suddenly break free from the earth and fly up, with Him still seated on it. Shinji yearns to sit beside Him. But he realizes something:

"Oh, but how do I get over there...?" he asks. _His_ smile is understanding as He turns to face Shinji. Shinji blushes in its warmth. "Then I'll just have to come to you, don't I?" says He, with the face like the Sun. In a moment He is beside him, sitting on the hard ground. Shinji, too, feels that he is sitting. It is strange, but - He is speaking again. Shinji doesn't dare to look at His face as he speaks.

"--ever."

"Eh?!" _He_ said He would stay with him forever. It makes him blush again, such reckless words.

"Why? You don't want to be with me?"

"No,...just,..." Shinji strains to think. Something had already happened, something important. "It's not possible," he finally answers, reluctantly. In the corner of his eye, Shinji sees something - What is his mother doing there, standing behind Him?

"Why?" He asks, and smiles. "You don't want to be with me?"

Shinji can't help it, his eyes filling with tears. _He_ is fading again, the true sun shining behind His back, melting Him into a sea of light.

"No!" Shinji desperately yells. He tries to stand, but his limbs would not move. "That's not what I mean. Stay, stay,..."

"But you killed me," He says, accusive.

"No, I was told to,..."

"You killed me?"

"No,...I'm sorry,..." Shinji sees Him, barely visible now, smile and salute, nonchalant as always, and bathed in such pale white light. "No, I'm sorry,..."

* * *

"I'm sorry,..."

"Baka-Shinji. Don't apologize when you haven't even done anything yet."

Was he asleep? Asuka was standing over him, her eyes brimming with annoyance. He lay in a soft wire-framed bed. Everything was bright around him. It smelled like antiseptic. What he in a hospital?

"Sorry,--"

"Or did you somehow manage to mess things up while you were asleep?" Oh, so that was--

"--a dream...?"

Asuka scoffed. "Nightmare, seeing that you're still crying for no apparent reason."

"Crying,..."

"Sissy."

He noticed that his eyes felt damp. He touched them.

"Was I crying?"

"Baka-Shinji," Asuka scoffed.

He looked into the distance and saw that red ocean again. He could smell it from here - a fragment of that dream, still not faded.

* * *

His mother, now standing beside him, smiles encouragingly at him. She beckons. Shinji reaches towards her.

* * *

"Mom."

Asuka almost hit him. "Shinji, you stupid idiot--just grow up, already!" She scoffed again and crossed her arms. "Hmph. Real men don't cry."

His head hurt. His muscles gave a twitch, a sharp pain. He felt like screaming. The sound of an object falling, it seemed familiar. He closed his eyes again, trying to remember, trying to forget.

"Shinji?! Fine! Sleep! Dream! Have nightmares for all I care! See if I care if you do!"

* * *

His head hurts. A splash, very quiet, and....he can't tell for sure what it was. Something, a fallen star, or a teardrop. The sea of blood swallowed it up greedily, rippling with glee. He feels something tear inside him. It is painful. He wants to scream.

"Good work, Shinji," his mother says. Her voice is low and coarse, like his father's.

"Mom,..." he turns to reply.

She is gone. His hand grasps for the air where she stood.

"Mom,..." he whispers. He waits, listening carefully. Nothing still. "Where are you?"

Nothing....Nothing still. There is no reply.


End file.
